Closure in Relations

  We are social animals who are caught in the webs of our relations around us. Maintaining these relations is not an easy task. One has to invest time, love, care, understanding and honesty in the relations. What if we lose one of these relations? What if we have had a long dispute with one of them? What if one of the relations betrays us? These kind of things do happen in any relation. It could be between two friends, between a couple, between 2 members in a family etc. Whenever there is an issue in a relation and it goes through turbulent times it becomes difficult for both the parties to reach to a reconciliation. Some relations just break or are severed due to the issues / lack of understanding / various other reasons like dishonesty, lies, deception, betrayal and many other factors. Sometimes both the parties do not have an effective closure. The lack of a closure gives rise to many problems within the person. The person cannot live in peace / faces health issues - physical / mental and goes through a trauma. 

Why do people seek an emotional closure? An emotional closure is the point where you can close a particular chapter that occurred in your life. Positive closures in terms of finalizing a deal / getting a sales / project are the ones that give immense joy to a person. Negative closures occur when you have suffered a lot due to a particular / person / relation and give you immense pain. Take for instance - the death of a spouse leaves an indelible mark in the life of a person who lost an important part of life. There is so much that remained incomplete. The never conveyed emotions / thoughts / plans / wishes and what not. The partner who is alive is in a trauma as to why this happened to him / her? The one question that keeps gnawing is "WHY ME?" These list of incomplete things never allows the person to get over from the loss. It takes a hell lot of time to overcome from this trauma. 

Another common incident that happens in Indian families is where the children are expected to fulfill every obligation towards their elders without uttering a word of complaint. This leads to chaotic situations within the family. The situation is less alarming when such issues occur with their own children. But when issues occur with a daughter / son in law there is a plethora of emotions which are murdered under the garb of Indian Family system and patriarchy. The daughter in law is expected to forgive and forget everything that has hurt her and continue as if nothing happened. The New Woman today has a voice that the society is eager to suppress. No one ever wants a daughter in law who is strongly opinionated but expect that their daughters behave otherwise. This bias is still leading in many families where daughters enjoy all rights but a daughter in law cannot have her basic rights of her self respect because she has to be meek, humble, submissive and docile. 

Many families have such relations where the mother / father in law are not on talking terms with the daughter in law. The issues are never discussed due to some or the other excuse but the expectation from the girl is that she continues fulfilling her obligations towards the in laws despite their rude behavior. The girl is full of bitterness towards them as there has been no closure of that particular issue. Her mind is still flooded with the bad memories of that issue due to which the relations got sour. She never forgot the incident as she could not move on and is stuck in the incident. Her whole life gets disturbed due to this. Our Indian patriarchy does not have any provision for sorting out these kind of familial issues. This has led to a rise in nuclear families and girls remaining single because no one wants to disturb their peace of mind and lose their self respect at the cost of anything. But what about those who are stuck in such marriages with the in laws? 

Any dispute that happens in any family needs to be sorted out by allowing both the parties to voice their concern and problems. One cannot neglect the importance of a daughter in law / any family member because of obstinacy and ego. Majority of the times it is the daughter in law who is compelled to neglect, let go and perform her duties towards the family. The girl continues doing so but she is full of bitterness towards the person because of whom she lost her self respect and had to step down from her position. She is the one who suffers inconsolably. She loses her peace of mind due to the bitterness & anguish that she harbors within. At the same time she suffers from health issues and psychosomatic disorders due to her depressed state of mind. 

What is the solution to such disputes which leave no scope for an effective closure? It is difficult to find viable solutions but not impossible if worked upon with a genuine concern for the well being of the family. Talk it out to the person with whom the dispute took place. Keep note of your emotions and identify your triggers. Your triggers are one of the reasons that you behave rashly and lose your temper. Another thing that would help is noting down what you feel and why you feel. Deep introspection will clear the cobwebs in your mind. Meditate regularly to release the negativity you feel towards the person. Remember, your peace of mind is of utmost importance. If you are not happy with yourself you cannot make others happy. As we live in Indian society governed by patriarchal order we become incapable of breaking these shackles but we can definitely strive to have a meaningful closure that will enhance the harmony in the family.