Emotional Constipation

Last week end while I was in the Inner Engineering course, Sadhguru spoke of "emotional constipation" and its impact on people. The term intrigued me to explore its consequences on people. 

Imagine being in a room full of people and you smile. As you smile you know that something heavy is weighing upon you. Or responding to someone's 'How are you' by saying 'I am fine' even though you are not. If you are doing this then welcome to the world of EMOTIONAL CONSTIPATION which is a silent and invisible condition where feelings do not flow the way they should and get blocked, stored or are carried silently. This could be for a certain period or it could go on for years unless the person releases those feelings or heals from within. 

Bottled Emotions are Real

A student once narrated her pain to me. She was a bright one who was always punctual, met the deadlines and even scored well. She was very supportive towards her friends, had a sweet smile always and seemed all right. But the misery was that once she reached her home she would not feel anything that she felt at the college. Instead she felt an unexplained heaviness. She never spoke about it to anyone nor did she consider thinking the reasons for this. All she did was scrolling the screen until she fell asleep.

A middle aged neighbour of mine believed that expressing feelings was a sign of weakness. He never cried before anyone or even in front of his family. The result is that he now keeps on snapping at trivialities. 

From both the above cases we understand that neither the student or the middle aged neighbour are emotionless but they are emotionally constipated.

 

How does Emotional Constipation Feel?

This is a condition which cleverly hides behinds normalcy and does not always look dramatic. the symptoms are: one feels something is wrong but cannot define it, emotional conversations are avoided, you immerse yourself in work/phone/responsibilities, a "burst" out at small issues or one is numb instead of being sad or angry. It feels like carrying a heavy burden of invisible stuff and the heaviness wears you down completely.

Reasons for Holding Emotions

We were all born normal but the societal conditioning ruined us somewhere and somewhere along our journey in life we stopped expressing and learnt to suppress ourselves. Conditioning orders that begin in the family: Don't cry, Be strong, What will people think? Girls must not do/say this. Boys do not cry...etc. This has been the tragic plight of most of us because mostly in all cultures emotional restraint is considered a value and vulnerability makes everyone uncomfortable. Due to this over a time we stop feeling fully and it then becomes a habit of our system and sometimes a mode of protecting ourselves. Anyone who has been hurt before feels that it is better to shut down emotions rather than risking pain again.

The Price One Pays

One may feel that feelings have disappeared as one ignores them. But it is not so. These piled feeling have transformed into something toxic for your system. The sadness that you left unexpressed has transformed into fatigue. One's unspoken anger has transformed into irritation. The unacknowledged stress has transformed into anxiety. Occasionally one finds a gush of emotions like a dam that is broken after years of pressure. It also costs us our relationships because as we do not express anything people are left guessing about us which leads to misunderstandings. There is a distance that begins to develop in the relationships too.  

Learn to Feel Again

One does not need to be over expressive to heal from emotional constipation. One gently needs to connect with what one genuinely feels. Take small steps to rejuvenate your feelings. Ask yourself once-what are you feeling? It does not have to be what should be felt but what one actually feels. Define your emotions. E.g. I feel emotionally drained is more precise than I feel tired. Journaling helps a lot in this condition because no one is going to read it so no one will judge you for what you feel. One must find a safe space-a friend/family member/ therapist. You do not need to proclaim your feelings to the world but to a someone who is your safe space. Lastly, remember being emotional or sensitive is not a crime even though everyone around you may make you feel so. Crying, expressing your anger or admitting your fears do not prove that you are a failure. it proves that you are a human and so you feel what you feel.

Reminder

As we breath we exhale the toxins from our body. Emotions are like breaths. One needs to exhale them or the burden will start taking a toll on you. If one keeps on holding the emotions for long they will become heavier leaving you weak not strong. Next time when you feel a silent weight gnawing at you do not push it away instead learn to sit with it, listen to it by letting it speak to you. Sometimes the bravest thing is not saying 'I am fine' but saying that 'I am not feeling okay today'. This is the beginning because healing is not fixing yourself but healing is allowing yourself to feel.